


Longing

by purplebylove



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Confessions, Pining, i love buddie, like i really love buddie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:47:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23997772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplebylove/pseuds/purplebylove
Summary: "Buck and I are just friends." Eddie finally finds the words. He's not going to go into a lecture about sexuality; not that Chris would be confused, but sometimes Eddie is, so he can't really use that as an excuse.Chris goes back to coloring, but leaves Eddie with one lingering remark. "But you look at Buck like you used to look at mom."---Eddie has been in love with Buck for a while, without realizing. Now he just has to figure out what to do with his feelings,
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 182





	1. Chapter 1

"Are you gonna get married again, daddy?" 

The question throws Eddie for a loop. They're just sitting in the living room, Chris coloring in a paw patrol coloring book while they watch a Superman cartoon. On the screen, Clark Kent and Lois Lane are embracing. Which explains why Chris is thinking about relationships, but Eddie is still confused as to who Christopher would think he's going to marry.

"Uh, not anytime soon, buddy." Eddie is careful with his words. Ever since Chris's mom died, he knows that Chris has been looking for another parental figure. Plenty of people, especially the 118, have stepped in and become like family, but a mother figure is a whole different thing. "Why do you ask?"

"You've gotten really close to Buck." Chris looks up at him, and Eddie is struck silent.

"Buck and I are just friends." Eddie finally finds the words. He's not going to go into a lecture about sexuality; not that Chris would be confused, but sometimes Eddie is, so he can't really use that as an excuse.

Chris goes back to coloring, but leaves Eddie with one lingering remark. "But you look at Buck like you used to look at mom."

It sticks with him even up to his next shift. Eddie can't help but try and not look at Buck, at least not unless they're having a conversation. Trying not to look at him, though, just pushes the other firefighter to the forefront of his mind, and he finds his eyes lingering on Buck periodically. He can't tell, though, if he's just looking, or if he's longing. 

See, Eddie doesn't long for people. Everywhere he goes, eyes are on him. If anything, everyone else longs for him. He doesn't long for people, and he definitely doesn't long for Buck.

"Dude, are you okay?" Hen places a hand on Eddie's shoulder.

Eddie jumps slightly, but nods. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure."

Eddie looks at her, debating. If anyone could help him, it would be Hen. Eddie sighs. "Chris said something... that I can't stop thinking about."

"Kids say the craziest things." Henrietta sympathizes. "What did he say?"

"He said that I look at Buck..." Eddie gets quiet, doesn't want anyone else to overhear. "...the way I used to look at his mother."

"Oh." Hen looks baffled, but then there's a realization. "Oh!"

"Yeah."

"So does that mean..." Hen doesn't even have to finish her sentence.

Eddie shrugs. "I don't know, maybe. I'm not sure it would even matter."

"Whether they're reciprocated or not, your feelings matter." Hen leaves him with these words of wisdom before going up to the loft.

Of course they do, Eddie thinks to himself. But they're not more important than his friendship with Buck.

Still, this odd feeling lingers the rest of the week. Thursday after their shift, Eddie finds himself approaching Buck at the lockers.

"You busy tomorrow night?" Eddie tries to sound casual, but his heart is beating at twice its normal rate. He doesn't know how Buck can't just hear it, it sounds so loud in his own ears. 

"I wish." Buck chuckles. "Why, what's up?"

"Do you wanna grab a bite to eat?"

"Sure, do you want me to pick up some takeout?" Buck asks, shutting his locker door.

"I was thinking we could go out somewhere. Chris will be spending the night at his grandparents." Eddie says, then adds, "I just want a night to not be Eddie the dad and just be... Eddie."

"Makes sense." Buck nods. "Yeah, sure. I'll pick you up at 8."

Eddie feels like an idiot, but his heart actually fucking flutters at the words I'll pick you up. Like it's a date or something. Like he's a teenage boy in high school with his first crush and they're finally going on their first date. Of course, this is all new for him, so it makes sense. But not knowing if Buck feels the same, or even if he could feel the same, he feels like he's setting himself up for disappointment.

Eight rolls around and Buck is right on time. Eddie opens the door and Buck is leaning against the wall, and for the first time, Eddie realizes that that is his favorite sight to see. Not Buck leaning against a wall, specifically, but opening his door and knowing Buck is on the other side, that adorable lopsided grin of his drawing all of Eddie's attention to him. It's also the moment he realizes that he may be utterly fucked, because holy crap, he might be in love with his best friend.

"I have to admit," Buck says as soon as Eddie's out the door. "I have a surprise for you."

Okay, definitely in love with his best friend.

"A surprise?" Eddie raises an eyebrow. "You seem about as good with surprises as cats are with mice."

Buck rolls his eyes. "I'm great with surprises."

"Let's not forget the time we were trying to throw a surprise party for Bobby and you let the cat out of the bag less than a day after you found out." Eddie reminds him, and Buck doesn't really have a rebuttal. 

"Point taken."

The drive to wherever it is Buck is taking him is short. They arrive at a bar, not the usual one they all go to, and find a spot at the end of the bar. 

"Why aren't we at our usual bar?" Eddie asks after they both get their drinks.

"You didn't want to be Eddie the dad so I thought we could go somewhere we've never been before." Buck shrugs, taking a sip of his scotch. "Now you can just be Eddie."

Although it's not exactly what he had in mind, he's grateful to be out of the house, although he's still not sure how to approach this whole thing with Buck. He hadn't made a plan, figuring that he would figure it out on the spot. Now, he's completely unsure of what approach to take.

The best approach, it seems, is to drink so much that Buck has to help him walk to the car. When Buck drops him off, he takes Eddie inside, helps him get his shoes off, and lays him in bed. 

"Maybe next time we won't go to a bar." Buck says, sitting on the edge of Eddie's bed.

Eddie cracks a small smile. "Maybe next time I'll have the courage to do what I wanted to do when I asked you to hang out."

Buck looks at him intently, but Eddie's eyes are already closing. Whatever Eddie had to say, it would have to wait. 


	2. Chapter 2

When Eddie wakes up, he smells food and hears the sound of little feet running around the living room. He remembers what happened last night, fortunately it wasn't anything embarrassing. Eddie groans and sits up, glancing around the room. Buck had stayed the night, if his shoes by the bathroom and the towel in his hamper were anything to go by. Which explains the smell of food and nobody waking him up to take care of Christopher.

Eddie throws on a shirt and pads into the kitchen, cracking a slight smile as Buck flips a pancake, Christopher standing beside him on a stool to help. And by help, he means eating chocolate chips out of the bag.

  
  
"Good morning sunshine." Buck grins, transferring the pancake from the pan to the plate. He pours some more batter, making two smaller pancakes this time.

Eddie narrows his eyes. "You think this is funny."

  
  
"Drunk Eddie is definitely a sight to see." Buck shrugs. He finishes the last pancakes and pushes a plate into Eddie's hands. "Now eat."

  
  
They sit at the table and make awkward small talk, but Eddie can't help but wonder if Buck remembers what he said before he fell asleep. Eddie definitely hears his own words ringing in his head, but maybe it's the nerves amplifying it. As if sensing his thoughts, though, Buck stands to throw his plate away and says, "We'll talk after Christopher eats."

  
  
Christopher eats fairly quickly, much to Eddie's dismay. Chris goes to his room to play legoes and Buck sits on the couch beside Eddie. 

  
  
"So what did you mean by what you said last night."

  
  
"You know," Eddie starts, "I said a lot of things, you have to specify what you mean."

  
  
Buck doesn't say anything, and the silence is enough to make Eddie break. Eddie clears his throat, leaning over with his elbows on his knees. He has no idea how to even _say_ this. "There comes a moment in life when you realize that everything you've ever wanted has just been standing right in from of you. That moment, for me, was a few days ago. And I can't stand knowing that what I want... Who I want, may not want me back."

  
  
Buck looks at him, a crease forming between his eyebrows. Eddie can see the wheels turning, but neither of them say anything. 

"Buck, I never wanted to fall in love with you." Eddie sighs. "Believe me, you're the last person I ever wanted to fall in love with."

  
  
"Thanks." Buck says dryly. It's the only thing he's said this entire time.

  
  
"I mean, can you blame me? You were a bit of a player until Abby came along." Eddie states. "Not to mention that you're probably the straightest guy I've ever met. I guess I've always been a bit of a hopeless romantic, but I took the hopeless part too seriously."

  
"Eddie, I-" Buck starts, but Eddie gets to his feet, shaking his head.

  
  
"Don't feel the same, I know." Eddie nods.

"No, I need some time to think." Buck rises, looking at Eddie. Eddie wonders if this may be the last time he sees his best friend, at least in this capacity. Of course, they still work together, but it's hard to be friends when you've gotten this close and feelings surface. As Buck leaves, each foot step leaves a crack on Eddie's heart; if Buck never comes back, it might just shatter.


	3. Chapter 3

"Have you heard anything from Buck?"   
  
Buck usually never misses a shift, but currently, no one has heard anything from him in a couple days. Not even Maddie. Everyone is sure that Eddie will be the first to know what's going on, and Eddie assures them he'll let them know, but he feels like he's lying because he knows he won't be the first person Buck reaches out to. He himself would have to be the first to reach out; Eddie's not sure if he has the courage for that, the courage to hear the truth.

But later that night, he realizes he has to know, one way or another. Pining after someone he couldn't have wouldn't benefit anyone. He already missed out on so much after losing Shannon, he needed to take this next step so he can move on and find someone else to be happy with. It was possible, even if it would be difficult.

He sits in his car in front of Buck's place for what feels like forever. The few yards from his car to Buck's house looked like a mile-long walk in the desert. Which he had done, and somehow seemed way less scary. Still, he didn't have very long.   
  
"I already told you-" Buck starts as his door opens, but then his voice falls. Eddie is clearly the last person he expected to see.

"You haven't told me anything," Eddie says. "Actually."

"Sorry, I thought you were..." Buck falters. "Someone else."

  
  
"I bet the whole 118 has been blowing up your phone." Eddie nods at Buck's words. Himself, he hadn't so much as texted Buck, let alone called him. 

"Actually just Maddie and Chim." Buck shrugs. He opens the door a little wider, an unspoken welcome for Eddie to come in. He's been at Buck's house countless times, but this time it's like a foreign country.

"I just wanted to apologize." Eddie says, taking a seat on the sofa. Buck stands; Eddie isn't surprised at that. "I came on too strong and I put you in a bad position. I know you don't feel the same, and I'm okay with that. I just don't want to lose my best friend."  
  
Buck looks off, a distracted glint in his eye. "I don't know how I feel."  
  
Now, Eddie _is_ surprised at those words. He doesn't say anything, afraid he might have heard Buck wrong.  
  
"I've been alone for a while." Buck says, pacing the length of his living room floor. "I always thought maybe... But she has a fiance. And me, I can hardly put myself out there."  
  
"I doubt that, with your history and all." Eddie says, letting out a breath that's half laugh, half sigh.  
  
"Yeah, history." Buck agrees. "But I want... I want a future. I want something like my sister and Chim have. Or Bobby and Athena. I want to get married and have kids and have a family, a life."  
  
"Most people do." Eddie shrugs. He's not sure why Buck is telling him all this, or what it even has to do with him.

"I realized, though, that I do have a family." Buck turns to face him suddenly, a somber expression on his face. "Everyone at the 118 and Maddie, obviously. But more importantly, you and Chris."

Eddie doesn't say anything, again. He hears what Buck is saying, but he has no idea what it means. Is he saying he wants to be with Eddie and have a family? Or is he saying that he's happy how things are? He's so used to just, _knowing things_ with Buck that it almost makes him want to scream.  
  
"Look, Eddie, I don't know how I feel. I've never thought about things in that way." Buck finally sits down beside him, and for the first time they're looking at each other, _really_ looking. "But I know we care about each other, and it would be stupid to not at least see if maybe this is something that could be... more."  
  
More. Eddie knows how difficult this is for Buck. It was just as hard for him, especially considering he knew how Buck would react. It takes Eddie a few seconds to find his voice. "Okay."  
  
"Okay."   
  
There's silence, and then they're both laughing, and Eddie just wants to kiss Buck, kiss him and take his breath away and prove that this, them, it's meant to be. They've always been meant to be, Eddie thinks, but he can't rush Buck. It took him this long, he could wait a little longer.  
  
"How about Saturday night I get a sitter and we go out?" Eddie says, then adds, "On a real date, not to a bar."  
  
"Hey, I already told you, no more drinking." Buck says sternly, but then there's a small smile on his face. "But it's a date."  
  
A date. Their first date. And hopefully not their last.


End file.
